Tag Archives: parents

Why just Mothers’ Day? The importance of everyday self-care for Mums.

Posted on by Shona Innes
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Yes – it’s on! Mother’s day is upon us and so, too, the carefully crafted junk mail and television commercials – Images of blow-waved children bouncing onto a perfectly ruffled bed on a sun-streamed morning bringing breakfast on a delicately manicured tray while a handsome man with the just right amount of five o’clock shadow smiles on from the bedroom door. Ahhh! Motherhood!

We all know that motherhood is rarely perfect. But – how much leeway is there from “perfect” before it starts to have a detrimental effect on families?

It is very clear that family violence is a toxic influence on the lives of little ones and that violence needs to be avoided at all costs. However, the other sometimes hidden, toxic, risk factor for eroding well being of children is maternal (and parental) mental health problems.

When you look into the literature on risk factors for child mental health, there is one factor that repeatedly screams out – parental depression. Depression is more than stress or fatigue. To some extent, some stress and fatigue are very much a part of parenting. Depression, however, is the big player in family wellbeing. Even when families are challenged by children with special needs or complex behaviours, it is the presence of absence of parental depression that often determines the outcome for the child’s mental wellbeing.

Parental mental health is critical to positive child well being. A parent with poor mental health can have a huge impact on the entire family – the other parent/s, the children, the ability to work and earn income and the ability to stay socially engaged with friends and extended family. A mother needs to be “fit enough” to be able to:

  • provide affection
  • be responsive to her child’s needs
  • be encouraging
  • teach every day lessons in moment by moment situations
  • engage with the child and the world
  • discipline positively when it is called for
  • support her partner in co-parenting and encourage the partners healthy relationship with the child.

If a mother’s ability to do these things is affected for any lengthy period of time, then that’s when a child’s well being may be affected unless support is rallied. Some mothers have difficulty relying on others or being relied upon themselves. Often, this difficulty can be a sign that something has gone on in the mother’s early years that interfered with the attachment between her and her own parents.

While some parents have clearly defined mental health problems, many parents may suffer from what we refer to as “subclinical” mental health disorders. A subclinical disorder is one where a mother can still soldier on and get to work, feed the family and attend all of the after school sport and activities, but underneath she is just not coping and may be leaning heavily on alcohol, other substances, or over working in order to get by.

Some mothers soldier on through their non-coping periods. Sometimes they do this because they don’t want to be a burden or a nuisance to others, because they are “so lucky” compared to some of the things they see people go through on the news and because they think they just need to “snap out of it”. Some get a bit of a Super Mum complex and then become resentful when their mood takes a hit.

Mothers need to prioritise self care. This doesn’t mean selfishness. It means genuinely looking after the person who, if not travelling well, has the ability to disrupt the whole family.

Just like we should check in and service our motor vehicles, Mum’s need time to reflect and take stock. A mum who is “firing” on all of her mental health “cylinders” uses healthy ways to regulate her emotions and manage her stresses and seeks and provides support from, and to, others. She watches the signs on her own emotional “dashboard” and refills when her “fuel levels” are low. Driving herself by being clear about her signs optimises her mental health, helps her make decisions, keeps her stable in her work and for her family and helps her exercise some sharp parenting skills.

Promoting self care for mums should be more than Mothers’ Day marketing madness. It’s imperative that mothers are supported to have, and maintain, good mental health that stays well clear of subclinical levels of concern.

So, what does a mother need this mother’s day?  Self-care!  She needs to do some basic stuff really well and really consistently and not just on Mothers’ Day.

A mother (or any parent or carer) needs to look after herself every day.  She needs to know how to ask for and accept support. She needs time to check in and make sure that she has balance and that her coping skills are healthy – more laughter, exercise, fun and sharing and less lonely, hard-working, stoic resentment.   She needs to be curious about life, be open to meeting new people and to trying new things. If there is something that is getting in the way, whether it is from the past or in the present, she needs to work on shifting it.

Banish stoic, perfect super mums and their bouncy, sun-filled mother’s day breakfast expectations and bring on healthy, open, warm, vulnerable, human mothers who can give and receive cuddles and have them gladden their hearts without fear that snot or crumbs will mean that there will be even more work to do before she can relax and genuinely “be” with her favourite people.

Mum, do right by yourself and your children and if you feel that your mental health could be wobbly, take time to check in on yourself. Your partner, best friend or even your GP may be great people to start a check in with. You might be surprised at how much they can tell you about yourself and what it is like when you may not be coping.

Tertiary Education Life 101

Posted on by Shona Innes
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It’s that time of the year. University and other tertiary education institutions are gearing up for another influx of new students. Togas and silly hats may dominate the landscape of our university precincts as the more academic of the next generation step up to take their sought-after places in the hallowed corridors of learning.

Parents who may be sending younglings off to tertiary education for the first time, might be a little worried. Parents’ worry may be affected by their own recall of events from when they, themselves, first left home for academic pursuits (that is, given their recall has not been affected by poor brain-care habits over ensuing years). Parents may be both excited for their young adult children and a little apprehensive about the hi-jinks they may be exposed to and/or engaged in.

The student-child is somewhat of a developmental and social grey area.

The job of the parent/carer becomes even more fuzzy and tricky to define while the offspring is both dependent and independent. The student-child is still on your Medicare card, but they also have one of their own. They are enrolled to vote and licensed to drive, but many heading to a university or college will still be quite financially dependent and will still require a safe base to come back to in times of need.

You have done much to assist your children to get to this point. Their university entrance scores are shiny. Their neurobiology is still simultaneously quick to react and primed for socialising. They have likely survived the adventures of schoolies, likely seen or experienced some sort of illicit substance and no doubt partaken in an alcoholic beverage or two – despite growing up in an era when they know more about the concerning effects of this on their brain and body health than ever before. They have a new laptop/tablet or similar learning device that Nan’s Christmas money assisted to purchase. Some hold down regular casual work where they may hold quite a deal of responsibility. They have survived the social-media-goes-mobile-phone teen years, have veered somewhat away from Facebook (because their parents are enjoying Facebook, too, these days), and they can text, inbox and post selfies at a rapid pace.

So, what on Earth should your student-child pack with them for this next chapter of their life?

Well, researchers probably know more about students than any other population on the planet. The job of many under-graduate students (aside of course from pursuing their academic best) is to participate in numerous studies as the test subjects/guinea pigs/lab rats. It is easy for academic researchers to access cohorts of university students without even having to pack their clip boards into their motor vehicles. Thus, cumulatively, we know a lot about the university student sample.

Research has helped inform us about students and their emotional health. One group of university researchers surveyed undergraduate students to determine the strategies that best assisted student to “flourish” in their emotional health. It turns out that the students who were involved in the study used a lot of strategies to help their emotions including understanding and analysing feelings, talking to someone, doing something enjoyable, being grateful, using alcohol and coffee, treating oneself, and consulting an advisor or mentor.

Importantly, though, it was not so much what the students did to manage emotionally rather than what they did not do that seemed to separate the languishing students from the flourishing students.

Flourishing students did not avoid as much as languishing students. Flourishing students engaged and took part rather than used avoidance to manage their emotions. The researchers recommended less avoidance and more engagement when it came to student emotional health.

Additionally, a different group of researchers looked at students who were living away from home and sharing a living space with other students. After studying 103 pairs of students sharing a residence in their first year, the researchers concluded that first years were more likely to “catch” a vulnerability to depression if they shared with a cognitively vulnerable room mate.

Your student-child could do well to engage in student life and a variety of different coping measures and encourage their room-mates to do the same.

So, parents…., it would be wise to keep an eye on your student-child if you notice they are avoiding and living in close proximity to others who may be vulnerable to not coping. Be alert if they are spending less time with others, less time at the books and more time doing, well…, not much. Meanwhile, if you garner evidence that your student-child is interacting, participating, sharing and venting, then you may feel a little more at ease about their transition to tertiary learning. You could continue to worry about them if you wanted to, but that’s not a strategy that researchers can recommend at this point in academic history. The worrying and ruminating parent is a whole other body of research – it’s lucky we have a new bunch of academics researchers on the rise!

Kids These Days – What’s Going On Out There?

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Every day, the phone rings at our psychology practice with a range of calls about children with problems. Parents, carers, doctors, psychiatrists, paediatricians, teachers and welfare workers all call about children that need help. We get calls about tots, teens and “tweens”.

Looking at the types of calls coming through can tell us a bit about what is going on for kids out there these days. The health and happiness of our children is a great measure of how we are doing as a society. So, if children aren’t healthy and happy, what are the things that are not working for them? What is it they need?

In no particular order, here is a broad sample of our current, most common, requests to help young people and some ideas about what these problems tell us about children’s needs. Please keep in mind that the enquiries we have won’t include the huge number of wonderful things happening for children in the world. Remember, in a psychology practice, we are always going to see a skewed sample. It’s the nature of our business.

Anxiety – There are so many things in the World you could be worried about.

When we see children who are anxious or frightened, it tends not so much to be about the fear of the dark or the bogey men anymore. It seems to be more of a generalised sense they have that the world is a dangerous place. Children might reflect the anxieties of their grown-ups. For some children and their families there is so much heightened arousal about the world and their role in it. There is so much that can go wrong or so much that you might get wrong – exams, fitting in, missing out. The child is convinced they need to be constantly prepared for catastrophe.

Children need a balanced view of the world – sometimes it is beautiful and sometimes it is tragic – always has been and, likely, always will be.

Friendship and loneliness issues – from bullies to heart break.

A number of children present with significant sadness and worry about having no friends, feeling left out or being avoided by other who used to be friends. Some have broken hearts – not necessarily of the boyfriend/girlfriend type, but more about the abandonment of previously held friendships. Some of these children have autism and developmental problems and need help with skills. It is so easy for some children to give up and stop trying to make friends because they can get so caught up in what’s wrong with them that they just don’t see how much of them is perfectly fine.

Children need connections.

Family breakdown – Can you really hate your ex more than you love your child?

The time and effort that ex-partners can put into hating each other is astounding. It is tough to see a child who loves both parents being torn because the parents are at war with each other. It’s great to know that many separated families can do an exceptional job or raising a child across two homes, but the Family Court is still busy with the couples who have a situation so complex, that the child or children miss out on so much of what is needed to be settled, healthy and content. Long and extended Court battles over custody seldom bring out the best in grownups.

Children need grownups who put their needs ahead of their hate for the ex-partner. They certainly don’t need to hear what an awful person Mum thinks Dad is or vice versa.

Self harm – Trying to find ways that can soothe when life gets hard

Self harm – cutting, burning or injuring yourself – has spiked in referrals in recent years and can be complex to understand. Ironic as it sounds, some of the presenting self harm issues are attempts to soothe when life gets too hard. Sometimes talking and posting about your self harm is a way to belong with a large online community – an attractive proposition to the otherwise lonely. The more recent trend in referrals to treat self harm include younger children in their late primary school years. Self harm is something that needs a proper, professional assessment.

Generally speaking, children need to be encouraged to speak up about their problems to attentive adults and to learn how to soothe themselves without the need for inflicting pain on themselves, or others.

Child maltreatment and trauma – Oh, how I would love to live in a world where children could grow up without early exposure to abuse or neglect.

Brain research is now showing us the biological and long term impacts of child maltreatment on young brains and the protective factors that abound when there is healthy early attachment to a predictable and loving grown up. Attention problems, hyperactivity, anxiety, depression, anger and difficulties regulating emotions and behaviours can all stem from abuse and neglect. Mum and Dad may love you, but they may also be what I call “parentally-challenged”. Their substance abuse issues, working hours, or their priorities about keeping up with the Joneses can trump time at home with the children. These days neglect can also mean long hours spent on the internet or gaming devices without supervision or without someone to tell you to go to sleep or eat some breakfast.

Children need safety, affection, attention and boundaries.

The cyber world – faster, broader, easier to access, difficult to monitor, but the way of the future.

At the nuisance level, children (and indeed adults), can have trouble moving from a most preferred activity to a least preferred activity – asking a child to get off the computer can sometimes cause a huge reaction. There can also be a gap between what Mum and Dad know and what children are actually exposing themselves to online. At the more sinister end is the exploitation of young ones who inadvertently click or swipe their way into a dangerous liaison. There is also a trend to seeing more young people in trouble with the Law for sharing too much of themselves, or too much of their boy/girlfriend, with others. On the other hand, there are not too many school rooms with chalk boards these days – chalk boards may as well be stone tablets etched Fred Flintstone style. Connection to the cyber world is a really important part of current educations and learning.

Children need to be exposed to the cyber world because it will continue to be a large component of their lives and future lifestyles. However, children need someone on yard duty in the cyber playground!

Access to substances – using alcohol and illicit substances can make the dumb decisions sometimes expected in adolescence, even dumber!

It would be great if we knew that children were never going to be exposed to substances that could harm them. Some of the most harmful substances are the ones that are legal and used often in the household. While the brain is still growing, it needs to be sheltered form additional toxic chemistry associated with alcohol and drugs. The thrill seeking that naturally accompanies adolescence means that often alcohol and substance use is combined with fast cars and other potential dangers.

Children need to learn about harms and their risk-taking in age appropriate ways and to feel supported to make a brave, smart decision even though it may be unpopular with their friends.

Perfectionism and body image – Eat (or starve), sleep, school, repeat.

While eating disorders remain some of the most dangerous mental health problems amongst young people, there is also an insidious amount of perfectionism sneaking into to the belief systems of our younglings. Some young people can freeze or melt down at the thought of making a mistake or not getting an “A” on an assignment. They are driven to make tighter and tighter rules and higher benchmarks for themselves to avoid an ever present fear of letting someone down or not being good enough.

Children need to know that it’s human to make mistakes and to know that they are already so very loveable. There is also a need for children to understand the importance of balance and healthy fun with good friends.

So, the issues that children bring to their psychological treatment reflect a lot about what is going on in our society. Child safety and the need for affectionate and warm relationships with grownups are still paramount. Their current issues show difficulties adapting to, and getting the most out of, our fast paced and changing society without compromising themselves. Children need healthy and safe grownups and lots of opportunities for connecting and communicating with others to help them find their way.

Shona’s tips

Everyone – It’s really important to remember that there is always going to be more right with a child than wrong with them. When we help, we need to consider what is happening with their developing biology and brain and their thinking and beliefs, but also their home, their school, their friends and the society that they live in.